Question:
How wrong is it to sideline parents and create problems over property in the name of Islam? In our family, a known brother, after his marriage, left his parents and siblings completely and lives with his wife and children. Many years have passed. What is the Islamic advice for him?
Answer:
The question is based on our social structure. In our society, after marriage, a son usually lives with his parents. The wife joins him. Parents usually live with a son. If there are many sons, they stay with one. Because you are asking this question, it indicates you think this is abnormal.
You think that after marriage, he should live with the family. Perhaps he is the eldest son. Because the siblings are crying, you want advice for him. The reason for this question is the existing social norm.
In the time of the Prophetﷺ , after marriage, children did not necessarily live with their fathers. They lived separately. Umar (RA) and Ibn Umar (RA) lived separately. Husband and wife living separately was the permitted norm. After marriage, the young man has a new life. He needs his wife more than his parents.
The affection and cooperation of parents are not as essential for a young man as being with his wife. That is why he got married. To be happy with his wife. So, going to live separately is natural. That is why we arrange marriages. He may have children. Then his responsibility towards raising his children becomes essential. So, he moving separately is not against Islamic norms.
However, parents should not claim excessive rights. They have lived their lives, fulfilled their duties. Now it’s the children’s lives. Whether he provides for them or cares for them, that’s one thing. They should not try to control him. Because parents claim excessive rights, they feel hurt. The son is living with his wife, which is Islamic. He has some needs. A man has desires. Living with his wife is essential for him. Living with his mother is for showing love, not a necessity.
There is no compulsion for a son to live with his parents. He can see his father, help him as needed. That’s the extent of the parent-child relationship. The husband-wife relationship is much deeper. The wife cares for him in ways parents cannot. After marriage, the wife takes over the care that parents provided. He also has other needs. So, in such a situation, if he moves separately, what Islamic advice can you give him?
He has the right to do so in Islam. Elderly parents need to understand that they have lived their lives, done their duties. They would have also loved their wives more than their parents when they were young. In the old social structure, they might have wanted to move separately but couldn’t.
When living with parents and wife, they face many problems. Many families have mother-in-law issues leading to divorce. Islam does not say you must live with parents or in-laws. The elderly should understand that their world is over. The children have their own world to grow their progeny.
Some people stay with parents out of love and affection. That is a personal choice. It is excellent if they do. But if a son moves separately, it’s not necessarily due to sudden change; there must have been problems. After marriage, if living together, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflicts arise. Whatever the mother-in-law does, the daughter-in-law finds fault, and vice versa. They become enemies. If such problems persist, can the family live in peace? That’s why he moved separately. But even if he lives separately, his duty towards parents (providing food, medicine, needs) remains. He doesn’t need to live in close proximity. There is no requirement for that. They raised him, that’s done. He doesn’t need to live with them for their care. He needs to live with his wife. So, how can you advise him to come back? You cannot.
What mothers-in-law should do is treat the incoming daughter-in-law like a daughter. She left her parents’ home to come to yours. Instead of thinking, “She has come to divide my son,” if you magnify small issues, even when you are sick in bed, you will react differently if your daughter is sick versus your daughter-in-law. It’s the mother-in-law attitude that causes most problems.
The daughter-in-law might also have issues, but if the mother-in-law acts like a mother, the daughter-in-law will also act like a daughter. Many families live like that. Then there is no need to move separately. You can prevent separation through love, not through legal or religious advice.
Marriage is for happiness. If there is conflict, can the man be happy? He will think about it repeatedly and eventually move separately. The reason for separation is the mother-in-law/father-in-law’s behavior. They see the daughter-in-law as an enemy. If the mother-in-law treats the daughter-in-law like her own daughter, she won’t take the son away. She might even refuse if the son wants to move.
Why would she leave? She comes to be happy. If you are an obstacle to her happiness, she will take her husband and leave. So, the reason a woman leaves is the hostile environment created by the in-laws. We see this in many families. The mother-in-law acts like a dictator, trying to show power. Your time is over. You are aging.
Allahﷻ has arranged for children’s happiness through their wives. In many houses, we see the husband and wife living separately happily. The mother accepts her daughter living happily with her son-in-law. But she cannot accept her daughter-in-law living happily with her son. “You always stay in the room; you don’t come out.” Young people behave like that. The mother-in-law doesn’t consider their young feelings. So, if you want to prevent separation, you must change yourself. You have your place; she has her place. You cannot provide what she provides. She comes to make your son happy and to bring grandchildren for the family.
So, treat her with love and affection. Don’t treat her like a servant. Don’t be critical of small things. Most importantly, don’t be an obstacle to their marital happiness. There are many families where the mother becomes an obstacle to her son’s happiness with his wife. So, what will they decide? That’s why you arranged the marriage.
If you investigate, you will know the situation. So, moving separately is not a sin according to Islam. Living with parents is permissible if done with proper treatment of the daughter-in-law as a daughter. The son’s happiness lies in his wife’s happiness. The saying goes, “Even if the son dies, the daughter-in-law’s thali (mangalsutra) should remain.”
Many mothers-in-law are that foolish. So, moving separately is not a sin. Allahﷻ says in the Quran (Surah At-Talaq 65:6): “Lodge them [in a section] of where you dwell out of your means and do not harm them to straighten them.” Do not cause them hardship. Similarly, treat wives kindly. If you dislike something in them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allahﷻ brings through it a great deal of good.
So, parents should understand that their son is fulfilling his duties. Your time is over. You will go soon. Those who don’t understand this face such situations. If you try to exert authority while you have strength, when you become weak and bedridden, your daughter-in-law will have to care for you.
She would do it with willingness only if you treated her like a daughter earlier. When you were young and strong, you spoke harshly. When you become unable to do your own work, she will be the one to help. When you become weak and ill, she will have to look after you. She will only do it if she has a place in her heart for you. It is in women’s nature to care well. But we make them act against their nature.
So, we cannot blame moving separately. If you want them not to move, the work is in your hands. Understand this.
