Question:
I have a house, and Alhamdulillah I can take good care of my wife. But my future wife — it seems marriage talks are ongoing — has made a request. She is very attached to her parents and finds it difficult to leave them after marriage. So, she asked me to come and live in her house. She is their only daughter. Can I go there?” He says, he asked a maulvi (Islamic scholar), and the maulvi said this would be dowry even though he did not ask for it, but they themselves are requesting. What is the answer?
Answer:
In Islam, dowry is prohibited without any difference of opinion. Dowry means asking the bride’s family for something without valid reason. Only what they give willingly and happily is permissible.
If you demand money from them just to marry their daughter, that is dowry — whether it is a house, money, jewelry, car, vehicle, business, or even a work visa. Anything asked from the bride’s side is dowry. Instead, the groom must give to the bride. There is no difference of opinion about this. We have spoken strongly against dowry in the past. But we need more clarity about what exactly counts as dowry.
Even though dowry is forbidden, if they give something willingly without pressure, like when the daughter is their only child and if she leaves, the parents will be left alone, and they ask you to live in their house — which will anyway go to their daughter — and you willingly agree, many people say this is dowry. But it is not. It becomes dowry only if there is direct or indirect pressure. For example, if you demand a house or if they give it out of fear that you might mistreat their daughter, then it becomes dowry.
If there is no such pressure, it is different. For example, giving mahr is obligatory in Islam. Even though it is obligatory, if the bride voluntarily gives it back to the husband, does it become dowry? Suppose the mahr is fixed as one lakh rupees and she later says, “You keep it,” and gives it back. Is that dowry? You did not ask it; she gave willingly. The Qur’an says: “Give women their dowry willingly, but if they willingly give you something from it, then consume it happily and with pleasure” (Surah An-Nisa 4:4). Even though mahr is obligatory, if a woman says she does not want it and gives it back, and you accept it, it does not mean you failed to give mahr. You gave it, and she willingly returned it. It does not become dowry because you did not seek or demand it.
Similarly, there was a companion named Abu Talha, a wealthy man in Madinah who was not yet Muslim. Umm Sulaym, the mother of Anas ibn Malik, was a widow. Abu Talha proposed to marry her. She said she could not reject a man like him but he was not Muslim, and she was Muslim, so she could not marry him. She said if he accepted Islam, that would be her mahr. She asked for nothing else. He accepted Islam, and that became her mahr. This is reported in hadith. She waived the mahr, and this is not dowry.
There are many such examples. Another example is Aqeeqah, which is the father’s duty when a child is born. But the Prophetﷺ performed Aqeeqah for Hasan and Husayn, even though it was their father Ali’s responsibility. This is not dowry. Ali lived in a house next to Masjid an-Nabawi, which belonged to the Prophetﷺ. Fatimah lived there after marriage. That means Ali lived in his father-in-law’s house. Similar examples exist.
There was also Zainab, the wife of Ibn Mas’ud, who was financially well-off, while her husband was poor. She used to spend on her husband and orphans in her care. The Prophetﷺ encouraged charity, and she asked whether she could give charity to her husband. The Prophetﷺ said she would receive double reward, one for maintaining family ties and the other for charity. So a wife giving wealth to her husband is not prohibited.
From all these examples, if there is no compulsion, such situations can occur. If parents have only one daughter and would be left alone if she leaves, and they invite the groom to stay with them sincerely, thinking it will help them and not cause harm or property disputes, and you accept willingly, it is not haram. You did not demand it, and they did not give it out of fear that you would mistreat their daughter. They simply want companionship and support. If you also have no problem and it eases your living situation, then it is permissible.
If you go thinking, “We will progress by this,” how can that be declared haram in religion? It becomes haram only if there is compulsion. Someone might force it and then falsely say there was no compulsion — that is a different matter. Sometimes it becomes a local custom, and people do certain things for the sake of local tradition. That can turn into compulsion. If it is truly without compulsion and they willingly give it to you, then living in that house is like how a wife may even return the mahr that was given to her.
In some places like Kayalpattinam and Nagore, there are unwritten rules. That is where we say it becomes wrong. There, if a woman gets married, a house must be given to her, and the house is always registered in the woman’s name. Men do not have houses there; everything is written in women’s names. Because of that, when a marriage happens, the groom goes to live in the bride’s house. That is an unwritten rule. Even if it is difficult for them, even if they do not have the means to build a house, they borrow money from various places and somehow arrange a house before the marriage. If there is no house, they keep the girl unmarried in her home for years. In such cases, if the house becomes a compulsory demand, then we can say it is not allowed. We can say, “Why are you forcing this?”
But the situation you mentioned is not like that. If someone has only one daughter and, for that reason, asks the groom to stay with them as support and help, then staying in the wife’s house is not wrong. Even, Ibn Mas’ud, a great companion, lived on his wife’s wealth. He was a great scholar, and a knowledgeable person.
Without understanding this properly, people wrongly say it is a mistake. Just because we strongly condemn dowry, we must call only dowry a crime. How can we label everything people imagine as dowry and call it a crime? If they willingly give it, it is not dowry. Even if there is indirect pressure, you can call it dowry. But if there is no indirect pressure and such a situation genuinely happens — for example, an elderly couple with only one daughter — if they marry her off, they may be left alone and unable to manage daily tasks. Naturally, they may wish their child to stay close for convenience. If they make such a request, how can it be called a crime if it comes from sincere willingness?
However, “willingness” should not be used as a cover to deceive. It must truly be voluntary. Some people claim it is voluntary, but they actually give out of fear that their daughter will be mistreated. If there is no such fear and it is genuinely voluntary, there is no religious prohibition.