Question:
His (the questioner’s) son is unwilling to provide financial help. The father says he is very angry with his son for not helping him during his difficult time. Therefore, he asks whether Allahﷻ would blame him if he legally writes a release document declaring that he has no relationship with his son anymore.?
Answer:
He has written about a very emotional and sensitive topic, describing the pain and difficulties he has faced because of his own child. Still, only by reading it fully can some important messages be conveyed.
He says that his native place is Tindivanam, but for the past 20 years he has been living in a rented house in Tiruchirappalli. The only reason he moved to Tiruchirappalli was to educate his son well. His son studied well and for the past three years has been earning a good income. For the last 10 months, he has been working in Germany. From the time his son started earning, he has been observing that his son spends about 90% of his income on himself and sends money monthly to his mother after calculating family expenses. Other than that, he does not spend anything for the family.
Meanwhile, about a year ago, his son married the girl he loved, who is also a Muslim woman. The father spent five lakhs of rupees, which he had saved to build a house, for his son’s marriage. Now, when he asked his son for two lakhs of rupees to repair his small old house in Tindivanam, his son refused. When asked for the reason, the son said that he is trying to settle with his family in Germany and is spending money on housing and other expenses there, so he cannot help at the moment. Because of this, the father borrowed seven lakhs of rupees from different places and has completed three-fourths of the house repair work, but still much work remains. Even at this stage, his son is unwilling to provide financial help. The father says he is very angry with his son for not helping him during his difficult time. Therefore, he asks whether Allahﷻ would blame him if he legally writes a release document declaring that he has no relationship with his son anymore.
Before answering his question, the speaker says there are important messages here for both parents and children. According to this incident, the son spends 90% of his earnings on himself and gives 10% to his parents. For example, if he earns one lakh rupees, he sends only ten thousand home. If he earns two lakhs, he sends twenty thousand. The question is whether parents should consider this neglect.
Generally, every man works mainly for his wife and children because their needs are greater. A wife has many desires and requirements. Children require expenses for education and development. Therefore, most people naturally spend more on them. In reality, elderly parents usually do not have many needs. At an old age, their major responsibilities are completed, and they are closer to the end of life. They usually do not desire luxury or entertainment. Their main needs are food, medical expenses, and a place to stay. Beyond that, they do not usually expect much.
An elderly parent should not think that if the son earns two lakhs, he must give them twenty thousand and feel dissatisfied. If the parent were in the same situation earlier, they would have done the same for their own children. The father himself left his hometown and relatives and moved to another city only for his son’s education. Similarly, his son is now thinking about his own family and children. This is human nature. Every parent sacrifices for their children, but children cannot rebuild their parents’ lives once they grow old. Just as parents shape their children, children cannot reshape their parents’ careers or status later in life.
The son is living in Germany, where living costs are high. He is trying to settle there with his wife, which requires significant expenses like housing and daily living costs. In Western countries, the cost of food and living is very high compared to India. What can be managed in India with a small amount of money requires a very large amount abroad. Therefore, he is spending money to build his life with his wife, which is also his responsibility in Islam. Taking care of his wife and children is not religiously wrong.
The speaker says that the father is feeling upset, but he too would have prioritized his children over his own parents when he was younger. This is common human behaviour. Many children completely abandon their parents without even basic support. Compared to such cases, this son is still sending a portion of his income regularly. The father might be expecting more than necessary. If a couple lives modestly in India, the amount the son sends may be sufficient for basic living. If the son had stayed in India, he might have earned only a small salary and could have sent even less.
Therefore, the speaker feels that the son is giving an amount that is sufficient for his parents’ basic needs. Parents sometimes develop unnecessary expectations when their needs are actually limited. Parents should understand that children naturally focus more on their spouses and children, as their responsibilities are greater. Parents often complain that children neglect them, but sometimes parents themselves develop excessive expectations. Children often behave toward their parents in the same way they saw their parents behave toward their own elders. This is human nature and should be understood.
Regarding the idea of writing a release document cutting ties with his son, the speaker says that Islam does not recognize such a concept. Even if someone becomes a non-believer, a father remains a father and a mother remains a mother. These relationships cannot be erased through legal documents. The father-son relationship is created by Allahﷻ. Allahﷻ gave him that son, and he remains the father regardless of anger or disputes. The speaker says that the son’s actions do not seem serious enough to justify completely cutting ties. Instead, it appears the father may be expecting too much. If he thinks realistically, he may realize there is no major wrongdoing. He should feel happy that his son is progressing in life and working hard for his own family, just as he once worked hard for his child.
Parents should feel happy seeing their children’s growth rather than becoming jealous or treating them like enemies. Feeling jealousy is not justified because the child’s situation is different from the parent’s situation.
At the same time, there are cases where children completely abandon their parents immediately after education or marriage and do not even provide food or basic support. Such children should be advised and corrected for going against Islamic teachings. Beyond advising them, there is often little that can be done. That is the fundamental reality.