Question:
A brother is asking without mentioning his name. He says his wife has no interest in household chores like cooking. She does not look after the children. She prays only during the month of Ramadan. She does not respect her husband’s family. She likes listening to music. He asks three things regarding this.
First, he mentions some shortcomings in his wife. Generally, regarding this, we must also consider that the wife is a Muslim. She also needs to understand what Islam teaches. We also need to explain how the husband should behave in such a situation.
Answer:
The first point is that she refuses to do household work. Regarding household work, a wife’s duties are often misunderstood. It is true that a wife is not obligated to cook for her husband. The husband’s duty is to provide food. Many women use this as an argument, saying, “It’s not my duty to cook,” causing problems in families.
But we must look beyond the concept of mere duty. When a couple lives together harmoniously and willingly, they share responsibilities. The husband does more than his obligatory duties, and the wife also does more than hers. This is what makes a family flourish.
If the husband starts arguing strictly based on duties—that he only needs to provide food, and it’s not obligatory for him to provide an AC, a fridge, a washing machine, etc.—then the wife would have to wash her own clothes by hand. If he sticks strictly to his duties, the wife must also be prepared for him to do the same.
What does the husband usually do? He doesn’t just fulfill his minimum duties. He goes beyond. He buys clothes for his wife far beyond what is necessary. He buys her gold and jewelry, which is not an obligation. He buys property in her name. Many brothers even buy property jointly with their wives. Some even write property solely in their wife’s name. They sacrifice and go abroad to work hard to provide a good life for their families. All this is beyond their duty.
In such a situation, what should women do? They should understand that while cooking is not an obligatory duty for them, their husbands are doing far more than their own duties. If the husband were to strictly follow the letter of the law, he would say, “I’m not obligated to provide you with an AC, a fridge, or a washing machine.” But he does. So, wives should not only consider what is *obligatory* but also what is *moral* and *customary* in a healthy marriage.
In worship, we have obligatory acts (Fard) and recommended acts (Sunnah). Similarly, in worldly matters, there are duties and there are acts of kindness and harmony that go beyond duty. The first thing wives must understand is this principle. The Prophetﷺ said that a woman is the shepherd of her husband’s household. Managing the household includes cooking, cleaning, organizing, and maintaining it. The Prophetﷺ said that a woman will be asked about those under her care. Just as she will be questioned about her prayers and worship, she will also be questioned about how she managed her husband’s household. This is found in several hadith in Sahih al-Bukhari (893, 2409, 2583, 2751, 5188). Another hadith (2554) includes the responsibility of caring for children.
Caring for children is also a duty. It is common sense and a general obligation for a mother to care for her children. This is also found in Sahih al-Bukhari (2554, 5200, 7138).
Therefore, a wife cannot refuse to cook or do housework. She could only do so if the husband also strictly limited himself to his obligations. But he is doing far more. He is providing for the family beyond what is required. Many husbands even care for their wives more than they do for their own parents. We see this.
Consider the example of Fatima (RA), the daughter of the Prophetﷺ . After her marriage to Ali (RA), she did all the household work herself. In those days, they had a hand mill to grind wheat. Fatima (RA) would grind wheat until her hands became blistered. She was struggling. This is recorded in Sahih al-Bukhari (Hadith 5361).
When she heard that some female captives had been brought to the Prophetﷺ , she went to him to ask for a servant to help with her work. When the Prophetﷺ returned and heard this, he did not get angry. He did not scold Ali for making his daughter work. He acknowledged her struggle but instead of giving a servant, he taught her some words of remembrance (Tasbih, Tahmid, Takbir) to recite before sleeping, saying this was better than having a servant.
This hadith shows that the Prophetﷺ accepted that his daughter was doing household work. It was considered her role. A household has external management (the husband) and internal management (the wife). The wife is responsible for the management of the home.
Another example is Asma (RA), the daughter of Abu Bakr and sister of Aisha (RA). She was married to Zubair (RA). She herself narrated that she used to serve her husband, Zubair, and do all the household work. She even cared for his horse, which was the most difficult task. She used to bring date pits from a garden he had. All of this was known to the Prophetﷺ , and he saw her doing it. This is recorded in Sahih Muslim.
Aisha (RA) also narrated that she used to wash the clothes of the Prophetﷺ . This is in Sahih al-Bukhari (Hadith 229). Another hadith (Bukhari 1494) indicates that the Prophetﷺ would ask his wives if there was any food available when he came home, meaning they were the ones who prepared it. In another hadith (Bukhari 3798), when a guest arrived, the Prophetﷺ sent a message to his wives asking if there was any food for the guest.
Therefore, when a wife says she will not do household work, it is not good for the family life. It will lead to resentment. This applies to both sides. Neither the husband nor the wife should have the attitude of only fulfilling their bare minimum duties. Life should be about mutual care and cooperation. Only then will it be a life free from “hell” and filled with happiness.
Explain this to your wife. Tell her about the duties in Islam. If she still refuses, then you have to consider further steps. Some women, due to a lack of piety and moral integrity, may not listen. For such women, you must still follow the Islamic guidance: “Live with them in kindness. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allahﷻ has placed much good.” (Qur’an 4:19). Do not hate your wife. If you dislike one quality in her, there will be other qualities you like. If she listens to music, advise her gently. If she prays only in Ramadan, it shows she has some piety. Remind her that Allahﷻ is not only the Lord of Ramadan but of all twelve months. Advise her with wisdom. InshaAllahﷻ, if she fears the Hereafter, she will correct herself.